by Anonymous USAF Active Duty Master Sergeant - Epilogue written by Paul Tautges ACBC & IABC Certified Biblical Counselor
As a rebellious sinner, I ran from the God of grace. I’d grown up going to church weekly, but the deception and brokenness of my heart kept me from truly believing, and in our home, God was not our primary focus. I knew of God but didn’t have a relationship with Him.
My dad physically and emotionally abused my mother, sisters, and me. Although I hate to say it, my sisters and I suffered many belt lashes from him that would continue until we soiled ourselves. His displaced anger caused a lot of internal aggression in me. My coping mechanism was exercise. I wanted to become strong. I’d play outside with my friends until my mom would come home because I felt very safe when she was there. Thankfully, she and my dad divorced, which kept her safe and allowed my sisters and me a break from our father.
As a teenager, I was the man in the home and loved being the protector. But, having had no positive father figure to provide guidance, I was misguided in thinking I needed to be tough. Consequently, others closed themselves to me, which grew my fear of being hurt.
Also, in my teens, I was introduced to alcohol and pornography. Both made me feel good, though the feeling was short-lived. I always ended up feeling stressed and broken again. My alcohol use eventually led to my arrest for underage drinking. After that, I decided to join the Air Force. I desired to be disciplined and molded into a man while serving my country.
My service allowed me the opportunity to help my family and get away from alcohol and negative friends. However, through those military years, every function seemed to involve alcohol. Even though it gave me some short-lived fun, I hated being near it.
Over the years, my hope of not being damaged hardened my heart. I believed showing emotion was a sign of weakness, so I kept my feelings to myself. I tried my hardest to show that I was strong and tough. Yet, inside, I felt lost and weak.
Using pornography rewired my brain to view women differently than I should have. Both pornography and drunkenness were destructive, and both presented a deception of happiness. Nonetheless, I’m blessed to have married the love of my life. She has been my rock and a true blessing to me. I’ve failed her by my selfishness, including giving into temptation, which Satan used to lead me into adultery. Jesus showed me that just looking lustfully at a woman is adultery.
I knew I had not only sinned against my wife and family but against my Lord. My sins caused much grief to those I love and to myself.
After receiving Jesus as my Savior, I asked God to show me the characteristics of my heart. He showed me that I had sinned against Him and had allowed many choices to harden my heart: idolatry, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, divisions, envy, drunkenness, impurity, and sexual immorality. I learned that those characteristics, listed by the Apostle Paul in Galatians 5:19-21, are of the flesh—our sinful nature. Jesus taught me that I was living life through my flesh, causing brokenness to myself, disconnection from others, and keeping me from God’s kingdom. My guilt over my sins caused me to feel shame. I became very exhausted carrying the weight of sin and its consequences.
Looking back, I saw that Jesus had attempted to reach me numerous times, even causing me to awake from sleep, saying, "Jesus, help me!" I felt I had let Him down and did not deserve Him.
I have noticed a change since asking for God’s forgiveness of my sins and allowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, into my heart. I felt kindness, patience, joy, love, and a true PEACE for the first time.
My heart had been very anxious over the years as I chased the things of the flesh. Although I achieved goals and titles, I remained unhappy. I have always chased some sort of goal, whether related to the Air Force in general, my rank, or my position. Goals are great as long as they don’t become idols.
Looking back, I can also see that I was running from the past and toward a mirage of happiness. I knew my Lord was there all along, but I’d never taken the time for Him. I failed to learn His Word, and I wouldn’t allow Him into my heart because I feared He would be ashamed of the things I’d done. When I eventually turned to Him, He helped me lay down my pride and ego. I wanted to become a better man, and knew I needed help.
I reached out to Fallen Soldiers March and got lined up with a Biblical Counselor, Paul Tautges. I also applied and was invited to attend a Mighty Oaks Legacy Program for men, which helped me grow spiritually and gave me a solid network of brothers I can lean on. These two organizations and my local church helped me in my sanctification process. I’m very thankful for FSM, Paul Tautges, and my church.
My Lord and Savior said, "Follow me," and I finally did. God saved me, changed my heart and mind, and saved and restored my marriage!
For over a year, my wife and I prayed for a baby. We were a little concerned we might have difficulty conceiving because of our ages. However, I knew that if God could save a sinner like me and save a marriage, He could do anything. That summer, God gave me a dream, telling me we would conceive a little girl. Three months later, I received amazing news from my wife: she was pregnant. When we went for our prenatal ultrasound, the sonographer informed us we were having a little girl! I wasn’t surprised because God had spoken that in the dream, and in good faith, I believed it would come true.
Our baby girl was born this spring. We praise God for blessing us with this beautiful, wonderfully made baby girl. She’ll be a constant reminder of His grace and magnificent work. We’re looking forward to teaching her all about Jesus.
God even restored my relationship with my father and helped me forgive him. I’m very thankful for the time I get to spend with my dad. Sharing the gospel with him has been very hard due to his pride and stubbornness. But I’ll continue to pray for his salvation, and I know God will do all the work to save him.
by an Anonymous USAF Master Sergeant
Epilogue
To be a servant God has used in the life of active-duty USAF Master Sergeant has been a privilege. Seeing him progress from a brand-new believer in Jesus to one who is diligently applying the Word of God to his life and marriage in the power of the Spirit brings me great joy. Three Scriptures come to mind when I think about our months of intensive discipleship together. The first is 2 Corinthians 7:9-10.
Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death (NKJV).
As I counseled USAF Master Sergeant, I immediately discerned that the Spirit of God had prepared the soil of his heart to receive biblical counsel and guidance. He was grieving over his sin and its consequences and was ready to act on God’s Word.
We began by spending many weeks in Matthew 5-7, the Sermon on the Mount. As a result, the roots of repentance grew deeply in Master Sergeant’s heart, demonstrating that the sorrow overwhelming his heart at the beginning of our counseling was not worldly sorrow but the godly sorrow that leads to repentance. The more the Spirit used the Word to peel back the layers of Master Sergeant’s heart, the more the man saw his heart driving his sinful desires and behavior. The gospel promises a new heart from the Lord at the moment of conversion and the ongoing work of the indwelling Spirit fueling steady progress to remake us in the image of Christ.
As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, as you have been taught, abounding in it with thanksgiving (Col. 2:6-7 NKJV).
A key focus in biblical discipleship counseling must be to help other believers become rooted and built up in Christ. Therefore, we gave attention to the call of Christ on our lives, the meaning of new creature in Christ, and how to live out that new identity. As Master Sergeant diligently renewed his mind with biblical truth, he learned that repentance is not a one-time event but a lifestyle. As a result, he saw steady movement toward putting off his old self and putting on his new self in Christ.
Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart (2 Tim. 2:22 NKJF).
Another huge blessing was seeing how integral the men of Master Sergeant’s local church were becoming in his spiritual life. He had no desire to be a lone ranger Christian but to develop honest relationships of serious accountability with other brothers in Christ. He seized the reality that we cannot successfully fight sin on our own, and God never intended for our sanctification to progress in isolation. Instead, we must flee sin and pursue righteousness with those (others) who are calling upon the Lord. Even when Master Sergeant’s military schedule did not allow him to attend church services, he took whatever steps necessary to keep in touch with those brothers.
I’m grateful to the Lord and Fallen Soldiers March for connecting us in a discipleship relationship that has become a friendship. To God be the glory for the things He has done and is doing!
by Paul Tautges
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